Redefining happiness
It’s been nearly 12 months since I started psychotherapy and I wanted to reflect back on some of the things I’ve learned in the hopes they’ll be able to help you too.
One of the main factors for me seeking psychotherapy was that I was really struggling to remember the last time I felt happy. This is not to say that I had been living a terrible life, in fact, it was quite the opposite; I had a loving family, a secure job, a comfortable home, strong friendships and a trusting relationship, but I just wasn’t happy. The fact that I felt so unhappy when I had no obvious reason to just made me even more unhappy.
I was diagnosed with depression around 2012, and this means that I often just feel very, very low for long periods of time and for no obvious reason. I’ve been on and off medication for it over the years and I think one of the biggest misconceptions I had about antidepressants was that they would make me happy. They don’t, but they do make every day a bit more bearable, taking the edge off — in the same way that paracetamol doesn’t make you feel great, but it does dull the pain.
Happiness, or my lack thereof, was something we talked about a lot in therapy. I was encouraged to think about what my definition of happiness was and I found that for me, a lot of my happiness had been defined by external factors. I saw other people who had lost weight and seemed happy, and thought ‘If i lose weight I’ll be happy’. I had seen people climb their career ladder and thought ‘If I get a promotion, I’ll be happy’. People who had gone on extravagant holidays, gotten married, had babies, quit their jobs — and had all seemed happy.
Happiness, in my opinion, is an assumed thing. We assume everyone is happy and we can struggle to respond to someone who says they aren’t. I don’t think people talk about happiness enough, and I think because of this, many of us fall into the perfectly reasonable trap of looking to see what makes others happy and copying it. This is no good. Not only is happiness different for everyone, if we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for the definition of happiness, we’ll never reach it. Once you get the thing that you thought would make you happy, there will always be something else. It sets an unachievable goal.
So if the external influences weren’t working for me, I had to make sure my new definition of happiness mainly relied on internal validation and influences. And while I was at it, I thought I may as well make sure that the things I defined as my new happiness were small enough and easy enough to do often.
I realised I could feel happy when I was outside in nature and the fresh air. I felt happy spending quality time with loved ones. I felt happy when I did something purely for myself, like taking a long, hot shower, or making myself a delicious meal. By redefining what it meant to be happy, I was able to find many more opportunities throughout the day to welcome happiness in, and by doing this, I found my overall level of happiness was much higher.
I think its important here to note that I don’t think we should be aiming for happiness all the time. Life is about balance, moderation and contrasts; Without sadness, happiness loses all meaning. But we can aim to be happy more often and I think one of the easiest ways to do this is to simply redefine what happiness means.
Thinking about your happiness, whatever level it’s currently at, can be challenging. It can be difficult to figure out exactly what it is that makes you happy but it’s something that gets easier with practice.
One of the easiest ways for me to begin was by taking 5 minutes to think about 3 things that had made me happy, or that I was grateful for that week. Once a week, I wrote down what those three things were, and really tried to think about why that event had made me happy. After a few weeks, I was able to spot patterns, for me, they were human connection, connecting with nature, showing myself some self love. These patterns helped me to find things I could do every day to feel happy.
Whether you’re struggling with a lack of happiness or not, this can be one of the most worthwhile things to do in terms of really getting to know and understand yourself, so give it a go — who doesn’t want to feel happier!
